In Memory

Tuesday's post was inspired by my grandmother, Sandi. Unfortunately, she lost her battle with cancer Tuesday night. The last time I saw her was in July, when she and my grandpa came to my parents' house for my 30th birthday party. She seemed like her old self, at least in the few minutes that I got to talk to her before flitting about to talk to others. I didn't think it would be the last time I saw her.

When I heard that she was getting sicker, I always intended to visit. At first, I didn't want to visit because of various sicknesses through the fall and the fear of bringing germs into their house. Then, as she took a turn for the worse, I didn't want to visit because I was scared. Scared may seem like an odd emotion, but understand, I've never really been near anyone in their final stages of life. I've had relatives pass away, and I've been around them in the hospital or nursing home when they were near the end, but this was different, this was in her home. There was just something different and overwhelming and scary about seeing someone like that in their home. And, to be honest, I was scared of seeing my grandpa and my aunts and not being able to hold it together, not knowing what to even say or how to act or what to do.

I know all of these things seem inconsequential, and maybe this is just a chance for me to clear my mind. I think ultimately I wanted to remember her as she was when I was growing up. She wasn't just my grandmother; she was also the mother of my childhood best friend, my aunt Ashlee. We lived next door to one another for a while, so we were usually at one another's house. I'm sure we fought, and I'm sure she had to discipline us, but I can't ever remember her being anything other than loving towards us.

I could have been a better granddaughter. I could have done a lot of things. This chapter is finished, but there are many more to be written. I've got a lot of questions and thoughts about my future and what I'm doing in my life. I've had these things running through my brain for a while, but I think this has spurred them up towards the surface again. I hope that all of you take the time to give your loved ones a hug and let them know how much you love them. I know that can be said so often that it becomes sappy and corny, but it's so true.

Granny Sandi, I know you're watching all of us, and I know you and Shirlee are probably having the best reunion ever...and causing a little bit of trouble! I love you.

Heavy thoughts, heavy heart

This isn't what I planned on writing about at all today. My blogging schedule said that I was supposed to talk about the next book series that I was going to start today, but sometimes things happening in life necessitate that you change your plans a little bit.

When someone is dying, you're torn. You have selfish thoughts of how you don't want to lose him or her, but at the same time, you know that you lost that person a long time ago, when sickness started overtaking him or her. Some people go quickly, and some fight so hard that you can almost picture them getting over it and being restored to their whole, healthy self.

I think we take those who we know and love for granted and just assume that they will always be there. That we will always have time to visit them, see them again, laugh with them, when in reality that's not the case. All of our days are numbered, and as soon as we're born, we are moving towards our eternal destination. I'm just as guilty as anyone of taking my loved ones for granted. Will and I can sit in the same room on separate ends of the couch, each immersed in a different form of technology. Sometimes I even find it difficult to tear myself away from the technology when he wants to talk to me (okay, sometimes that's because he's speaking nerd to me ha ha). I don't put my family and friends first. I make vague plans of "we need to get together" without following through. I tell myself that on the weekends I need to catch up on housework and laundry that I've abandoned through the week while I've played on my iPhone, iPad, and laptop, and that I don't have the time or energy to go do anything with friends.

I'm not really sure how to end this post today. I could say that I'm going to make radical changes, but I think small changes are better. I've said before that I'm too dependent on things like Facebook, but it's not the dependency on things like that which makes me have these struggles; it's how I ignore everything else in the process. So, I guess I'll just end this by saying that I'll strive to get a little bit better each day. I'll work on connecting more with friends and family and connecting less with...everything else. I love and cherish and appreciate all of you who are reading this, and I really do hope that we can get together sooner rather than later.